Five Years Into It...

I probably should have started this blog three months ago when our fifth year began. But truth of the matter is that I didn't have much to say. Things at home have been hectic and crazy as they can be only in a household with two working parents and two rambunctious toddlers.

Elysabeth just turned three and is in her second year at school (MDO) and she LOVES it!!! She is so excited to go to school every day; I hope this excitement lasts well into her teenage years. Alekzander just turned one and is as boy as any boy can be. He loves to climb, headbutt, run, and hit; all things that boys love to do! It's so fun to see them interact. They love each other more than words can describe; but their personalities certainly clash. They are going to love each other and hate each other just the same.

I guess in reality what prompted me to begin writing this is the sadness that came today thinking about the five years that haven't been. Today is Kaylie Elizabeth's fifth birthday; our angel taken from us too soon. And that made me think about what I have, what we have and what we don't.

"I cried and watched you pass away. Although I loved you dearly, I couldn't make you stay. A golden heart stopped beating, hard working hands at rest. God broke my heart to prove to me he only takes the best."

This has been by far, with the exception of her first birthday, the most difficult one yet. When this morning at work I typed the date for the first time my stomach sank. I felt this incredible sadness overcome me. It took all I had in me to not breakdown right there at my desk. And after that all day long every time I looked at the date on my calendar or had to write out the date I felt that lump in my throat form.

The saying that time heals all wounds is quite true. I find that with each passing day and each passing year the hurt in my heart for her is less and less. That is not to say that I don't miss her and don't wish every single day that we had her with us. I just think that the everyday tasks take precedence and there are days where I just don't have time to dwell on her absence. There are days when missing her and wishing she was here makes me feel guilty. I can't help but wonder if she was here who wouldn't be... And there are other days when not thinking about her makes me feel guilty, for not missing her on that particular day.

I love my kids and couldn't imagine my life without them...all three of them. Having Kaylie and losing Kaylie got us to where we are today. Five years later, a wonderful marriage, a beautiful princess, a sweet little boy, and an angel in heaven watching over us every day! I can't imagine anything better.